When I Can No Longer Bury It

I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be resentful. I don’t want to be angry.

Ever since I began my healing process from trauma, I have felt all of these feelings I don’t want to feel. Some say it is grief, for a safe childhood that I never had. I wonder how long grief takes? How long will memories pop into my mind on a daily basis? Will these memories always make me feel this angry and betrayed?

I know the bitterness and anger I’m feeling is not good for me, but not matter how hard I try to fight it, the strong feeling remains.

I sit with it, waiting for it to pass, telling myself healing takes time.



The most difficult thing about being the daughter of two addicts is the things I didn’t learn growing up.

Unfortunately addicts spin a load of yarn all the time. They lie. About everything and anything that will cover their addiction up.

This may sound strange, but growing up, I didn’t know the difference between the truth and a lie. My parents modeled a life of lies to me, so much, that lying became more acceptable to me than telling the truth did. I literally did not know the difference between fact and fiction.

My Mum used to exaggerate grossly and twist the truth so much, that I copied her. I thought you were supposed tell people the story of what happened and modify it slightly. This really impacted my friendships as when I was at intermediate school, people started labeling me, a liar. I was so confused. I was only doing what my parents did. What was wrong with it? Why did people not like it? Didn’t everyone so this?

As a teenager, I began to understand the difference between the truth and a lie and I had to teach myself how to tell the truth. It was very difficult and I lost a lot of people in the process, who understandbly did not trust me. I got there in the end and now, I live and speak a life of honesty.


Avid Healing

Avid describes being enthusiastic about something. At the moment I am very avid about healing. 

I am battling PTSD. I experience extreme anger every day. Insomnia. Anxiety. Self-esteem issues. Sadness. Irritability. Grief. A very poor immune system. IBS. PMS. Hormone imbalance. Codependent problems.

I have been struggling with PTSD since September 2015; after I admitted to myself my parents were alcoholics, my childhood with their addiction and domestic violence had really affected me and I was a codependent.

Having PTSD, in an unusual way, has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was forced to become an avid healing expert. I have learnt about nutrition, anti-depressants, reiki, boundaries, addiction, empathy, forgiveness, the complexity of anger, sleep hygiene, hypnotherapy, mindfulness and meditation, gratitude and a range of other topics.

While there are so many symptoms of trauma and stress, my avid healing education has taught me that there are so many strategies.

My new way of eating has given me energy like I’ve never felt before.

Gratitude journaling daily has changed my whole mindset.

Hypnosis has helped me reduced some of my unwanted feelings and view things from a different, more healthy perspective.

I think I’ll continue this avid healing education. I want to break the cycle of dysfunctional. I owe it to my future children and IT STARTS WITH ME.


A goal of Harmony

Harmony is one of my goals.

To live in harmony, means to live consistently and in peace. So I’m embarking on a journey to harmonize my life.

At the moment, I have days with no PTSD symptoms and other days with severe flashbacks, irritability, self doubt and tears. My goal is for consistency. I’m aware that there are good days and bad days in everybody’s life, but I’m wishing for this to be slightly more harmonious than it is right now. I’m excited to achieve this goal, to feel peaceful will be a great pleasure.

Harmony will mean being more consistent. To be able to be more consistent will mean that I will have to stop people pleasing. I will have to stop changing my opinion and thoughts depending on who I am talking to because I want to be accepted, but to be authentic.


A Miraculous Jolt

Some people experience things that change them radically. Miracle stories, where they see a hypnotist and they are forever changed. Others report they have a huge epiphany and never experience anxiety again. I know these stories are few and far between and there are many explanations for miracles.

I wish I could experience some major jolt, that would mean I’d feel better overnight. No more hard work, no more tears, no more anxiety, no more flashbacks or nightmares or trauma or grief or irritability or IBS.

Maybe I will experience this “jolt” that would radically save me from myself. Maybe I won’t and I’ll have to keep putting in the hard yards. The trouble is, putting in all this work is tiring, with very little tangible results. It’s disheartening but I’m reminding myself, I’m breaking the cycle and it starts with me.


Climbing Upwards

Climbing upwards, trying to achieve healing. Making goals, trying to make progress. Two steps forward and one backwards.

As I continue climbing, some days feel like I’m about to fall, some days feel like I’m making great lengths of progress.

The results aren’t always tangible, but still I continue to climb. Until I can look in the mirror and like what I see. Until I can accept who I am, I will keep climbing.

People see the progress, no one sees the blisters, muscle aches or pain. No one knows I’m climbing, they just know I’m “getting better”. They don’t know the work involved. But that doesn’t matter, I’m not climbing for them, I’m climbing for me.


I Wish I Could Let it Go

I’m cranky. I don’t want to be. I wish I could let it go.

Is this trauma? Making me permanently irritable, cranky, mad, angry?

It’s not as though I like it. It’s not as though I enjoy feeling like this. The truth is when I’m going about my day; memories from the past pop into my head. They replay.

The injustices I suffered, play out in my head and I get so angry. If I don’t change the ending of the memory in my mind, I’m angry about what happened. If I do change it, even to something where I had more power and didn’t suffer abuse, I’m still angry.

I wish I could let it go. I even thought I had for awhile but it came back.

I journal, that helps temporarily. I meditate, that helps temporarily too. But nothing seems to be able to make it go away for good. Maybe I’ll be angry forever. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe this is a part of the grief process. I don’t know but I know one thing for sure, I don’t want to be this cranky, irritable, angry girl anymore.