But I Don’t Know How…

Growing up in a dysfunctional family is hard. Especially when somehow you grow up into a normal functional human, despite your background. People have high expectations of you.

I feel more comfortable around dysfunctional people with addiction and violence issues than I do around healthy functional people.

For instance I feel really uncomfortable and anxious around my in-laws. My fiance’s family are loving kind people. Naive folk say to me “they’re nothing like your family you don’t need to project your anxiety onto them, they’re not going to hurt you like your parents do”. People don’t understand how hard it is for me to relate to my in-laws. I don’t know how to act around a normal family. I’m not used to it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It just feels so foreign.

Every time I talk to my mother in law, I tense up.

People tell me to just enjoy being part of a normal family. I quietly respond by saying “But I don’t know how…”


Feeling Burntout

Wake up

Go to work


Get home

Feel exhausted and wonder how I will summon the energy to cook dinner.

Go to bed early because I’m exhausted.

Get 11 hours sleep.

Wake up, still exhausted.

Repeat for several days.

Has the dreaded burnout returned?

Letters of Apology: To My Ex


To my ex,

Our two and a half year relationship was a complete disaster. We hurt each other so much.

I wanted to apologise.

I wanted you to know I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for all the “fluff”, all the big long facebook posts about my love for you that were shallow and ungenuine. I think I was trying to convince the world that we were compatible (when we weren’t).

I’m sorry for staying with you when I knew in my heart it was wrong, I was scared of being alone.

I’m sorry for not making more of an effort with your family.

I’m sorry I couldn’t forgive you and I couldn’t move on from some big mistakes you made.

I’m sorry I tried to change you.

I’m sorry I felt abandoned by you when you weren’t really abandoning me.

I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you and on our relationship to work out.

I’m sorry I had unrealistic expectations of you.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was angry.

I’m sorry and I wish you well whatever you’re doing now, wherever you are.




Letters of Apology: To Everyone I’ve Ever Bullied


To everyone I’ve ever bullied,

Yesterday I wrote a letter to this who’d bullied me. But I realised that in my 27 years of life, I’ve learned a lot about relationships and conflict. If I went back in time, I’d do a lot of things differently.

To the kids at school I wouldn’t play with because you were weird, I’m sorry. I now realise you were deeply courageous to stand out from the crowd, and I admire you.

To the boy at primary school I teased about your stutter, I’m sorry. I realised years later how hard it must have been for you to have that struggle and how I should have had more empathy.

To the girl at high school who had autism. I’m sorry for laughing at your quirks. I realised ten years later, when working with autistic kids that you must be autistic.

To anyone I ever verbally abused, I’m sorry. I wish I’d expressed my feelings about our conflict without attacking you personally.

To anyone else who felt rejected, excluded or bullied by me. I’m sorry. You deserved to be treated with respect.


Letters of Forgiveness: To All of the Bullies


To all of the bullies,

My childhood memories seem surreal, that your words and actions could shape who I  am and how I feel about myself today.

I wanted to release all the pain, the bitterness, the grudges.

I wanted you to know, I forgive you.

To the guy at intermediate school who called me a skunk everyday and once spat at me, I forgive you.

To the girls who were catty, spread rumours and talked behind my back, I forgive you.

To my cousin that called me names, made up lies about me and slapped me, I forgive you.

To my “friend” at intermediate that teased me about my acne, I forgive you.

To the girl who sat next to me in high school maths, who turned to me one day and randomly said in front of the class “I hate you”, I forgive you.

To the friend, who one day stopped talking to me and never told me why, I forgive you.

To the “friends” who made fun of me because I attended church, I forgive you.

To a girl in my dance class, who mercilessly teased me for 5 years, I forgive you.

To the girls at my primary school that excluded me, I forgive you.

To all the kids that verbally abused me and called me names, I forgive you.

To all of the bullies,
I forgive you.



Apology Letters: To All the Mother Figures


To all the mother figures,

I’m sorry.

I really need to apologise to you all. I yearned for a mother that was going to nurture me. My mother is an alcoholic and a narcissist. This left a gaping hole in my life as a child, teenager and young adult as I longed for someone to love me with “a mother’s love”.

What I did to you all was unfair.

I’m sorry for seeing “good Mum” qualities in you all, and then idolising you, expecting you to be perfect.

I’m sorry for expecting you to cross boundaries of being my teacher/employer/colleague and taking on a mother role.

I’m sorry for getting angry when you didn’t meet my incredibly unfair expectations.

I’m sorry for expecting you all to “save me”.

I’m sorry for dragging you into my drama.

I’m sorry for being needy.

I’m sorry for projecting my own issues onto you.

I’m sorry for doing this to several “mother-like figures”, hurting several people, until I realised what I was doing.

I’m sorry for losing contact with a lot of you or cutting you off as I was embarrassed by my actions.

I’m sorry for those of you who I never apologized to in person.

I’m really sorry.

Me x

Letters of Forgiveness: To Myself in My Early Twenties


Dear me,

You have always done your best, with the resources you had at the time. I wanted you to know I’m grateful for this, thank you.

I wrote another letter to you the other day but this one specifies the hardest time in your life where you felt the most lost, where you experienced the most pain.

I wanted you to know I forgive you.

I forgive you for having such an insecure identity, that you changed your opinions, religion and personality every few months.

I forgive you for falling into a very abusive and oppressive church because the people there loved you in a way you’d never felt love before.

I forgive you for letting the church people bully you into doing things you didn’t believe in.

I forgive you for selling yourself out.

I forgive you for dropping a class at university for a boy, making your course take a whole year longer.

I forgive you for moving in with your boyfriend’s family, just to please him, even though you knew they were toxic.

I forgive you for not making the most of socialising.

I forgive you for not making more effort to get to know potential friends.

I forgive you for wasting money; for throwing things away that could be fixed and mended and purchasing things you didn’t really need.

I forgive you for staying in two different jobs where you were mistreated.

Keep making mistakes, because this is how you learn. This is how you grow. I’ll always forgive you.

With so much love,
Me xx