There are a lot of feelings built up inside me that I am working on. Anger, rage, resentment, grief, rejection, envy and sadness. The source of these feelings is my parents addiction, which I grew up basing my life around.
I do all the healthy recommended strategies for dealing with these feelings. Up until a few years ago, I had them deeply buried. I was in denial. I journal, I practice gratitude, I meditate, I do healing exercises such as writing letters of forgiveness and burning them. These strategies I use on a daily basis. These strategies are supposed to help me process emotions and trauma.
Despite all these different strategies, sometimes I end up dealing with the emotions in a negative way. I have angry thoughts in my head for a few hours about an incident in my past; I feel betrayed, hurt, frustrated and sad. I’ll be hanging out with my partner, he’ll do something slightly irritating and I’ll detonate. I’ll shout at him or snap at him. Immediately it feels good to release those pent up feelings, but as soon as they are released a huge wave of guilt falls upon me.
My partner is the one person I can trust. Someone who has never let me down. He doesn’t deserve to wear my trauma. I wish I didn’t react in this way. This is how I feel most of the time, like a ticking time bomb. I dont feel as though I can control these outbursts. I’ve been told this kind of reaction is normal during PTSD, as I am easily triggered at the moment. I just wish I did not detonate on an innocent target.