I’m cranky. I don’t want to be. I wish I could let it go.
Is this trauma? Making me permanently irritable, cranky, mad, angry?
It’s not as though I like it. It’s not as though I enjoy feeling like this. The truth is when I’m going about my day; memories from the past pop into my head. They replay.
The injustices I suffered, play out in my head and I get so angry. If I don’t change the ending of the memory in my mind, I’m angry about what happened. If I do change it, even to something where I had more power and didn’t suffer abuse, I’m still angry.
I wish I could let it go. I even thought I had for awhile but it came back.
I journal, that helps temporarily. I meditate, that helps temporarily too. But nothing seems to be able to make it go away for good. Maybe I’ll be angry forever. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe this is a part of the grief process. I don’t know but I know one thing for sure, I don’t want to be this cranky, irritable, angry girl anymore.