Right now, I feel like life is a blur. Passing me by, with me a spectator too scared to properly join in.
A deep fear of inadequacy has made me feel as though I will never have success, so with a feeling of hopelessness, I don’t join in properly in my own story. I feel paralyzed with insecurity and fear.
I haven’t always been like this, I used to squash all of these feelings down. I used to have a mask I wore, that masked the fact that my parents are alcoholics and I suffered a lot of trauma and pain as a child. I used to deny my past and deny any affect it had on me. I believed I had overcome it all but the reality was, I had never admitted it and never actually faced it.
I decided to admit my pain and trauma to myself and then to others, and in doing this, I opened a can of worms. I opened up old wounds that hadn’t had the chance to be healed, but had been roughly stitched up in the hope they would stay closed. With the opening of these old wounds came pain, memories, anger, grief, sadness. I lost my self-confidence, I began doubting myself a lot, I experienced a lot of anxiety, I lost the ability to sleep and I put on weight due to an increase in appetite. I also became incredibly fatigued and my immune system took a huge hit, causing me to get sick almost every few weeks.
Healing has been so incredibly hard, I’ve struggled with this process for the last eighteen months and I’m far from finished with it. The reality is, if I hadn’t unstitched those roughly stitched up old wounds, they would have burst at some point anyway. The past would have caught up with me.