Control

Lots of Adult Children of Alcoholics say it, they have to be in control. This is a common confession of abuse and trauma survivors, after all they mostly had chaotic childhood experiences, where their life felt “out of control” and  they were unable to control the things that happened to them, making them feel helpless. 

My goal: to “float” through life and see where life takes me.
The reality: My anxiety kicks in and I constantly try to control what is going on around me.

Maybe I can’t quite trust that if I left “life” to its own devices, things would work out for the best. Maybe the feeling of helplessness is so strong from my childhood, that I keep control of everything to compensate for this. 

A few days ago I wrote a post about working on my interior; my new years intention was to work on the internal, focussing less on controlling the external. Well , this appears to be easier said than done.

I’ve given myself a few tasks to relenquish control.
1. When my partner goes grocery shopping next, instead of telling him exactly what I want that night for dinner, I’m going to say “get something for dinner” and leave it up to him.
2. The next time I hang out with a friend instead of planning the day and suggesting what we do, I’ll ask the friend to do whatever they want and I’ll tag along.

Sometimes changing behavior is hard,  giving up is easy, but starting small is achievable and realistic.

Daily post: float

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