The Frustrations of Childhood Trauma

My parent’s are alcoholics. They have been my whole life. Growing up with them meant I was often unsafe.

I am now an adult and I still spend a large amount of time feeling unsafe, despite the fact, I am safe. After all, my brain was wired to respond to an unsafe environment for the first 17 years of my life. My brain perceives things as threatening, that really are not a threat. My brain over reacts a lot and activates my nervous system. This is referred to as “trauma”.

When I feel unsafe and threatened, this is accompanied by a feeling of intense anxiety and emotional pain. Followed by a feeling of frustration. I’m not frustrated by the pain and anxiety, only the many unhealthy behaviours and quirks, I seem to have obtained to hide the pain and manage the anxiety. I wish I could cope better, but I can’t.  That’s when the behaviors and quirks come into play; dissociation, avoidance, jealousy, distrust, fear of abandonment and an overwhelming urge to control things that are outside of my control.

These behaviours I obtained to keep me safe as a child, are no longer required because I am safe now. However they remain. They seem unshakeable. I used to think as a child, that when I would leave home, I would leave my parents alcoholism behind. How naive I was. I have been living away from home for eight years and the baggage has never left me, slowly some has evaporated off, but the heavy stuff remains. I continue to perceive threats where there are no threats. I continue to have abnormal reactions to normal situations.

But I push through, carrying the heavy baggage, determined to find way a for it to get lighter. I keep my eyes on the prize; I’m breaking the cycle and it starts with me.

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8 thoughts on “The Frustrations of Childhood Trauma

  1. “That’s when the behaviors and quirks come into play; dissociation, avoidance, jealousy, distrust, fear of abandonment and an overwhelming urge to control things that are outside of my control.” These feelings are very relatable to me. Although I cannot say that I’ve experienced your situation, I have had trauma in my past that still affects me today. I hope you continue to fight the these behaviors that you have and are able to one day overcome what you’ve been through. You’ll make it!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s really good of you that you keep on moving forward. You know how hard it is, how desperate you are to break apart those trauma, yet you don’t give up and keep on going.
    I hope you can continue to fight, move forward, and overcome everything you’ve been through !

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Having a blog and putting your pain into words is like therapy for the heart. Im sorry for what you had to go through. We are all are a little broken inside. May you find happiness in all the dark corners of life.

    Liked by 1 person

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