When My Stress Detonates on an Innocent Target

There are a lot of feelings built up inside me that I am working on. Anger, rage, resentment, grief, rejection, envy and sadness. The source of these feelings is my parents addiction, which I grew up basing my life around.

I do all the healthy recommended strategies for dealing with these feelings. Up until a few years ago, I had them deeply buried. I was in denial. I journal, I practice gratitude, I meditate, I do healing exercises such as writing letters of forgiveness and burning them. These strategies I use on a daily basis.   These strategies are supposed to help me process emotions and trauma.

Despite all these different strategies, sometimes I end up dealing with the emotions in a negative way. I have angry thoughts in my head for a few hours about an incident in my past; I feel betrayed, hurt, frustrated and sad. I’ll be hanging out with my partner, he’ll do something slightly irritating and I’ll detonate. I’ll shout at him or snap at him. Immediately it feels good to release those pent up feelings, but as soon as they are released a huge wave of guilt falls upon me.

My partner is the one person I can trust. Someone who has never let me down. He doesn’t deserve to wear my trauma. I wish I didn’t react in this way. This is how I feel most of the time, like a ticking time bomb. I dont feel as though I can control these outbursts. I’ve been told this kind of reaction is normal during PTSD, as I am easily triggered at the moment. I just wish I did not detonate on an innocent target.


What I Wish I Could Radiate…

In the last two years, since deciding to confront my codependency with my alcoholic parents and my trauma from growing up in an addiction centred home, I have changed a lot.

Sadly, I still find myself focused on the things I wish I could overcome, the things I am failing at; instead of focusing upon the things I have achieved.

There are many things I wish I could be. Unfortunately, despite an awful lot of positive transformation, Im still not who I desire to be yet.

There is much hard work I need to do on myself to ensure that I will break the cycle of dysfunction and show my future children a positive and healthy way of life.

This is my traits and skills wishlist:

-I wish I could radiate security; instead of feeling threatened and unsafe by others.

-I wish I could radiate mindfulness, rather than being anxious about the future, daydreaming to escape my reality or feeling resentful over the past.

-I wish I could radiate honesty and authenticity, as opposed to telling others what they want to hear so I don’t get rejected.

-I wish I could radiate peace, instead of resentment, anger and anxiety.

-I wish I could radiate groundedness, rather than being scatty , indecisive and dithery.


I Don’t Want to be Bitter

I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be resentful. I don’t want to be angry.

Ever since I began my healing process from trauma, I have felt all of these feelings I don’t want to feel. Some say it is grief for a safe childhood that I never had. I wonder how long grief takes? How long will memories pop into my mind on a daily basis? Will these memories always make me feel this angry and betrayed?

I know the bitterness and anger I’m feeling is not good for me, but not matter how hard I try to fight it, the strong feeling remains.

I sit with it, waiting for it to pass, telling myself healing takes time.



The most difficult thing about being the daughter of two addicts is the things I didn’t learn growing up.

Unfortunately addicts spin a load of yarn all the time. They lie. About everything and anything that will cover their addiction up.

This may sound strange, but growing up, I didn’t know the difference between the truth and a lie. My parents modeled a life of lies to me, so much, that lying became more acceptable to me than telling the truth did. I literally did not know the difference between fact and fiction.

My Mum used to exaggerate grossly and twist the truth so much, that I copied her. I thought you were supposed tell people the story of what happened and modify it slightly. This really impacted my friendships as when I was at intermediate school, people started labeling me, a liar. I was so confused. I was only doing what my parents did. What was wrong with it? Why did people not like it? Didn’t everyone so this?

As a teenager, I began to understand the difference between the truth and a lie and I had to teach myself how to tell the truth. It was very difficult and I lost a lot of people in the process, who understandbly did not trust me. I got there in the end and now, I live and speak a life of honesty.


Avid Healing

Avid describes being enthusiastic about something. At the moment I am very avid about healing. 

I am battling PTSD. I experience extreme anger every day. Insomnia. Anxiety. Self-esteem issues. Sadness. Irritability. Grief. A very poor immune system. IBS. PMS. Hormone imbalance. Codependent problems.

I have been struggling with PTSD since September 2015; after I admitted to myself my parents were alcoholics, my childhood with their addiction and domestic violence had really affected me and I was a codependent.

Having PTSD, in an unusual way, has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was forced to become an avid healing expert. I have learnt about nutrition, anti-depressants, reiki, boundaries, addiction, empathy, forgiveness, the complexity of anger, sleep hygiene, hypnotherapy, mindfulness and meditation, gratitude and a range of other topics.

While there are so many symptoms of trauma and stress, my avid healing education has taught me that there are so many strategies.

My new way of eating has given me energy like I’ve never felt before.

Gratitude journaling daily has changed my whole mindset.

Hypnosis has helped me reduced some of my unwanted feelings and view things from a different, more healthy perspective.

I think I’ll continue this avid healing education. I want to break the cycle of dysfunctional. I owe it to my future children and IT STARTS WITH ME.


A goal of Harmony

Harmony is one of my goals.

To live in harmony, means to live consistently and in peace.

At the moment, I have days with no PTSD symptoms and days with severe flashbacks, irritability, self doubt and tears. My goal is for consistency. I’m aware that there are good days and bad days in everybody’s life, but I’m wishing for this to be slightly more harmonious than it is right now. I’m excited to achieve this goal, to feel peaceful will be a great pleasure.

Harmony will mean being more consistent. To be able to be more consistent will mean that I will have to stop people pleasing. I will have to stop changing my opinion and thoughts depending on who I am talking to because I want to be accepted, but to be authentic.

To be able to live in harmony with myself, what a journey and adventure this goal will be.