When It All Catches Up

In the last few weeks, my fiancè and I have moved home, we were living abroad.

So much exciting stuff has happened, we found a flat, were reunited with friends and family and my fiancè got a job. We’ve been so busy celebrating, that I didn’t realise what was brewing underneath.

This afternoon, I started crying…and I couldn’t stop.

It was grief.

Grief for the people and places we left behind. Grief for the “dream jobs” I didn’t get in my current job hunt. Grief for the life we were supposed to have overseas.

This afternoon has been filled with tears, but sometimes, it all just catches up. Transitions are filled with excitement and joy, but they’re also filled with grief and goodbyes.

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Five Years Ago

Five years ago, I’d been with a guy for 18 months, I didn’t love him, he didn’t love me, but I stayed with him trying to make things work. The relationship was completely toxic.

Today, I’m engaged to my partner of 3 and half years, we are still in love and have a healthy happy relationship.

Five years ago, I had to complete two more years of study to gain my social work degree.

Today, I’ve been practicing social work for three years and love it.

Five years ago, I was underweight.

Today, I have a healthy BMI.

Letters of Forgiveness: To All The Boys….

To All The Boys….

I really had no clue. I thought the only ways a guy could disrespect a woman was by by either raping her or hitting her. Everything else was not that bad. I was unaware of all of the different ways men financially, emotionally, sexually and physically mistreat woman, because unfortunately they seem quite normalised in society.

I had no idea about boundaries. I had no idea about healthy relationships. So I let all you boys do all sorts of things when you dated me, I didnt have a clue. 

But I want you to all know I forgive you,

To the boy who hacked my email and emailed everyone pretending to be me, because I’d broken up with you, I forgive you.

To the boy who told me I had to have sex with him, because it wasn’t a real relationship without sex, I forgive you. 

To the boy who put his hand up my dress at a party when I’d already told him I wasn’t interested, I forgive you.

To the boy who asked me to lose weight coz our photos together would look better, I forgive you.

To the boy who threatened suicide when I didn’t have sex with him, I forgive you.

To the boy who moved in with me for 9 months but refused to give me any money for power, rent or food even though you were working full time and I was a student, I forgive you. 

To the boy who got a lap dance from a stripper right in front of me, I forgive you. 

To the boy who messaged other girls sexual and romantic content and then called me paranoid when I found out, I forgive you.

To the boy who threatened to break up with me every time I didn’t do what he wanted, I forgive you.

To all the boys who mistreated me, I forgive you.

From, 

Me

Self-acceptance 

I’m working on self-acceptance at the moment.  The need to constantly change myself and not accept where I’m at in the process of self-improvement is holding me back. In order to heal from my trauma I have to be okay with where I am right now….

I am jealous sometimes, and that is okay. I can work through those feelings. 

I dissociate sometimes and that is okay, I have ptsd and it is normal to dissociate when working through trauma.

I feel insecure sometimes, and that is okay, this too I will work through.

I want to control everything around me, again this is normal for someone in my circumstances. 

I find it hard to be honest, I am scared of being rejected. This is okay, I’m in a journey to be more authentic. 

Moving

Moving home to my country of origin,

Leaving friends, jobs and possibilities behind  

New and old friends, new jobs and new possibilities await us,

So much to think about, my chest tightens with anxiety, 

Thinking constantly of all the “unknowns”

So many goodbyes, so many changes,

They say; “No reason to stay is a good reason to go”,

So we have a good reason to go,

The fifth move in ten years,

Attempts to start afresh,

But no matter how many times we attempt a new life,

The old one remains locked inside, deeply infiltrated in the mind and the heart,

Holding me back from all that I can be,

Moving may mean starting over,

But trauma always remains,

Everything may change again with moving,

Still this won’t really be “starting over”,

The trauma remains the same.

When Fate Decides For You

My fiancè and I currently live abroad, we have done so for one year and are due to go home in six months time. He has a professional sports contract. When it expires our plan was originally to travel more of Europe and then return home. 

We were wondering whether to bother travelling Europe because we haven’t enjoyed it as much as we did travelling Asia. 

To be honest, our last few months abroad have been hard, we’ve both been quite homesick and not enjoying it as much as we were before. 

We were discussing leaving early to return home and were completely dithering, unable to make a decision. 

Then fate decided for us.

Last night my fiancè was injured quite badly training, unable to play sport fornthe next 3 months and secretly I was relieved. Our decision was made, we are going home. 

Letters of Forgiveness: To a Lady I Worked For

To a lady I worked for,

I was young. You were middle-aged. You were disabled. I was abled. 

When I met you, my first impressions were; you were rude and had a chip on your shoulder. You offered me a job. I had my reservations. I was a student at university, desperate for extra cash. I told myself you wouldn’t effect me, your rudeness wouldn’t get to me.

It got to me.

It got to my self-confidence. Everything I did, you told me I did it wrong. You shouted at me, when I was only doing my best. You bullied me, belittled me and attempted to manipulate me.

You went days without speaking to me, would turn the other way when I looked at you and sigh and roll your eyes whenever I spoke to you.

Every day, riding to work on the bus, I felt anxious.

In the four months I worked for you, you never said anything positive to me. The insults and criticisms were countless.

I just wanted you to know, I forgive you. I forgive you, not because you deserve it, but because I deserve it.

All the best to you, wherever you are these days.

From,

Me