A Rollercoaster: Job Hunting


I’m going through that dreaded process….job hunting. The last three weeks of this process have been a complete rollercoaster.

Some well meaning person asked me how job hunting was going, I give an update “still nothing yet” and suddenly feel triggered into thinking I’m useless.

“Why can’t I find a job?

“What’s wrong with me? Am I too young? Too inexperienced?”

“I really wanted that job, I thought they liked me at the interview”.

The phone rings; it’s a recruiter telling me they might have found something. This gives me a crumb of hope and suddenly my mindset is positive again.

“Maybe this is the one”.

“The pay looks good”.

“I’m looking forward to working again”.

The phone rings again, it’s another recruiter telling me the employer he had been speaking with doesn’t have anything full-time. Back to a negative mindset…

“When will I get a job?”

“I wonder how long I can live off my savings”

“I’ll definitely need to find something within the next few weeks”.



Coffee: the Pros and Cons


When it comes to coffee, professionals seem tentative. Some say it’s good, some say it’s bad. I used to drink 5 cups of day, then I went to none. Now I drink 1 cup in the morning. I’ve been very confused about what is a good amount of caffeine to consume. I decided to do some research on all of the conflicting evidence, and this is what I have found:

-Research shows that coffee reduced the risk of Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and type 2 diabetes.
-Coffee contains vitamins, minerals and antioxidants.
-Women who drank 5 or more cups of coffee per day were 57% less likely to contract estrogen related cancers.
-Oral and throat cancers are also less common in coffee drinkers.
-When working out, having a coffee before a workout increases adrenaline and can increase performance by 11-13%.
-Coffee increases the effects of some painkillers which contributes to pain management for those with chronic pain.
-Men who drank 1-3 cups of coffee per day were 20% likely to develop prostate cancer.

-Coffee can cause changes in sleep patterns, contributing to insomnia and poor sleep quality.
-Coffee can impede absorption of minerals and vitamins such as magnesium, zinc and iron.
-Blood pressure is raised by coffee.
-Caffeine withdrawals can cause fatigue, headaches and dizziness as the effects of coffee wear off.
-Coffee can aggravate heartburn and digestion due to the acidity and also is known to stain teeth.
-Coffee is a diuretic, which can cause dehydration and causes the body to excrete  calcium, magnesium and potassium through urine.

My conclusion:
Coffee, like anything else seems best to be consumed in moderation. There are health benefits, there are health drawbacks. Everyone is different, listen to your body and pay attention to how you react when you drink coffee. It seems to effect different people in varying ways.




Re-victimisation, unfortunately, has consistent evidence. Up to 75% of adults that  experienced abuse as a child, also reported experiencing abuse as an adult.

When I first entered therapy, I felt like I “attracted” people who were abusive, I described a series of thorny experiences. A therapist explained to me the concept of re-victimization and that aspects of my personality had been forged,  based on trauma and abuse.

My parents are both alcoholics, who engaged in domestic violence and were physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to myself and my siblings. I learnt from them that love was violence and abuse, that I was worthless and that I did not have any right to have needs or choices. I did not learn healthy or appropriate boundaries.

Growing up, I knew my parents had an addiction which was abnormal, but I didn’t understand that the verbal abuse, physical abuse and general lack of respect was abnormal. I naively though that when I left home, in order to make a better life for myself I would steer clear of alcoholics or other addicts and my life would be great.

Unfortunately, I became a repeated victim of abuse in other forms, as I failed to recognize that it was actually abuse. My first year away from home at university saw me living in a house with 4 other friends, I didn’t notice it at the time but we all were children of addicts, and we all had excessive trauma. None of us knew anything about healthy boundaries or posititive conflict resolution so the whole year was dynamite. There were a series of arguments, misunderstandings and dramas. It was a disaster, but I had never anticipated it to be, I never saw any red flags when I was friend’s with these people because I thought their behaviour was normal. The 5 of us treated one another appallingly, myself included.

My first boyfriend was also, surprise surprise, a child of an alcoholic and his parents had abandoned him when he was a teenager. He criticized me so much and constantly tried to change everything about me, he played mind games and was very passive aggressive, he blamed everything wrong in our relationship on me and never took responsibility for his actions. I spent the whole relationship feeling not good enough and trying to please him. I didn’t understand that the way he was treating me was wrong.

I forged similar relationships with three consecutive employers; I was scrutinized, criticized and the victim of many mind games. I agreed to long unpaid hours, was manipulated and verbally and emotionally abused. Again, I didn’t understand the way I was being treated was abnormal.

Between my boyfriend, my flat and my work situation I became incredibly anxious and depressed. I ended up in therapy; where I learnt about respectful relationships and boundaries. That was nearly six years ago. I moved out of my flat, quit my job and broke up with my boyfriend. It’s been a hard journey but I realised recently I’ve broken the pattern, now that I understand healthy relationships I don’t find myself surrounded by abusive people. I feel lucky I’ve got to this point and I hope I can demonstrate to my own children what real love looks like (not the abuse I thought was love). I’m breaking the cycle and it starts with me.


A Letter To My Body


Dear Body,

I’m really sorry there have been a number of occasions where I disobeyed what you were asking of me. I’m sorry it took me twenty-five years to learn to listen to you.

Even though it wasn’t my doing; I’m sorry that your start in life wasn’t the best. My mother has admitted drinking whilst pregnant and I’m regretful I could not protect you from this. I’m sorry that when you were small, you were physically abused and again, I could not protect you.

I’m sorry that as a teenager and young adult I abused you by using recreational drugs and getting “black-out” drunk.

I’m sorry I smoked tobacco so that I would “get drunk faster”, as this would damage your lungs and unnecessarily harm you.

I’m sorry while I was at University, I didn’t give you adequate rest because I thought you didn’t need sleep.

I’m sorry for drinking six coffees a day to get through a hectic schedule even though you were not coping with it. I’m sorry I turned to caffeine instead of listening to you and cutting back on my commitments.

I’m sorry for all the fad diets. I’m sorry for making myself vomit on occasion. I’m sorry that I skipped breakfast for about ten years.

I’m sorry that I haven’t always given you adequate nutrition, rest and water.

I’m sorry that when I was younger I had sex when it was hurting you instead of stopping, because I didn’t want to disappoint guys.

Even though I’ve only been listening to you for about a year, I hope I continue to treat you with respect. I wish I’d always treated you well, you deserved so much better. We hopefully have a long life ahead of us together, I promise to listen to you and honour you and together we’ll do some great things.

Me xxxxx


My Mother’s Favourite Word


My mother is always talking about sympathy, it’s her favourite word, she often says she “needs sympathy”.

The problem is; I have exhausted myself giving her sympathy, empathy and support and it still does not quite meet her needs. At one point, she phoned me three times a day (when I was on my way to work, on my lunch break and on my way home from work), so I could provide emotional support and she would still complain she had no support!

One of my earliest memories is of me coming home from school, I was five and I wanted to talk about my rough day, where I had been bullied. When I got home, my Mum was crying on the sofa, saying nobody loved her and she had no sympathy. This confused me because Dad loved her very much and showed it. I never got to talk about my rough day, I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening laying on the sofa cuddling my Mum telling her everything would be okay. This sadly, became a life pattern, I became my Mum’s emotional support and never sought any emotional support for myself.




I finally feel like I’ve had a bit of a breakthrough. After the last few weeks of feeling low, in energy, in mood and in general well-being, I woke up this morning feeling different, with a crescendo of energy and zest for life. The motivation I’ve been lacking lately, had finally evaporated off (a little bit anyway). Strangely enough, it was triggered by a dream.

For months I have struggled with my mother-in-law, because of the difficult relationship I have with my own mother (who is an alcoholic). My mother -in-law has done nothing but love me, accept me and support me; but I have been pre-occupied about her rejecting me. I haven’t wanted to feel like this, but my thoughts have been intrusive and obsessive.

Last night I had a dream, I was at my in-laws and I was burning some garbage in their garden. The fire got out of control and nearly reached their home. I was terrified that my relationship with my mother-in-law was over, but she said to me “don’t worry about it, people make mistakes, it didn’t damage anything”. When I woke up this morning, I had an epiphany; this woman is not waiting for me to fuck up so that she can reject me. Through the four years I’ve been with my fiance she has never rejected me. Her intention is to be there for me, I’ve just had trouble accepting that because it is so far from the experience I’ve had with my own mother.

Who thought a dream would cause so much change in attitude. The realisation I had come to was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I suddenly had energy to do things I couldn’t summon the energy to do for weeks. I realised that my unhealthy thinking and paranoia had left me exhausted, flat and unmotivated.

So far today I’ve applied for 7 jobs, emailed several people back, listed items I no longer need on eBay and cleaned out my closet. I’m glad to be feeling like a productive clam human being again.